Are you trapped inside an unhappy marriage? Sadly, some couples are. There are couples who no longer sleep together (the hubby cuddles the remote in the sofa of the living room; the wife reads her pocketbook or does her cross stitch in the marital bed). They share the same house but no longer eat their meals together. Each one feels the marriage has become functional. Basically, the union is still intact, but cracks have started to appear and the couples are not doing anything to salvage the emerging ruins. Somehow, the relationship is all for a show. The fear or shame of being separated panics some people that hey sty inside a stale or dull marriage because it is the typical or logical thing to do in a society that frowns upon divorce. Tongues will wag and rumors will circulate, relatives will feel sorry and will be at a loss with whom to side, friends will be disgusted, parents will despair – they will do everything to patch things up between couples. So couples, no matter how unhappy they have become with each other, will remain inside a marriage long before love has left them. Preservation of the status quo has always been a primary consideration.
From Romantic to Functional Marriage:
Hear this lament of an unhappy wife: “I crave for an intimate relationship and real adult conversation but every time I start pouring my heart out to my husband, he gets irritated. He tells me I’m too emotional, or that I’m exaggerating things. Once, I put my arms around him and told him we have to talk and his ready answer was, “What is there to talk about?” I said I am too unhappy because we have not been going out for sometime and haven’t had the time to really communicate. He replied, ‘You want to be happy, go ahead, shop.’ It hurts to know that my husband thinks my loneliness can be cured by his money.”
For most women, emotional bonding is of paramount importance. This takes precedence over any material possession. Unfortunately, some men think money can take the place of intimacy. That is why they feel that once they have poured down the money on the table, all their inadequacies are absolved.
An obvious case of intimacy gap for couples is not having time to be alone together. May, the woman above, complains about her husband Joseph, a lawyer whose schedules are so hectic that by the time he comes home, he is so tired all he wants to do is sleep. May, a really emotional woman, often feels rejected. When Joseph won’t talk, she will readily entertain in her mind negative thoughts.
Communication is vital in every relationship. Couples who do not allow time for communication may find their marriage slowly eroding. Career is lifeblood of the family, but marriage should not be set aside just because couples are too focused on their respective careers.
The intimacy gap problem between men and women is a gender-related thing. While women are believed to be more romantic and emotional because they are easily satisfied just by the act of cuddling, talking or kissing, men are likely to express their intimate feelings sexually rather than verbally.
Try the Polarization Process
How then can men get intimate with women? The problem of intimacy gap is caused by the cycle of polarization. Polarity sets up when one person begins to express all the need for intimacy, and the other expresses all the need for separateness. As a result, one person (the woman usually) pursues and the other backs away.
The key here, therefore, is to keep one’s distance. A man gets suffocated easily when a woman clings too much or hovers around him most of the time. A man’s independent nature makes him feel a compulsive need to be free in every way, to depend on no one, emotional or otherwise.
So if a woman needs intimacy, she should somehow know when to keep her distance from the man so that the polarization process can begin. Because when a man is deprived of the attention and pampering that he usually gets, he in turn begins to seek it.
This time, it is he who will do the pursuit for a more intimate relationship.